WWFB: Airport Baked Goods Edition
The scene: San Francisco International Airport, hour 12 into a 22 hours flight delay due to an atmospheric river that has settled over the Bay Area and refuses to let us go home. I’m sleepy yet also hangry.
I’m more mad at myself than the cookies, really.
I bought these wretched things at the airport equivalent of Whole Foods, drawn in by the flavors. Peppermint? Chocolate? Chunk? Three of my favorite food groups! Espresso? Lemon? Chocolate? Chunk? I LOVE espresso and lemons…AND ALSO CHUNKS!
What I failed to notice was the fine print: “Gluten free, Vegan, Nut Free, 100% Natural.”
GODDAMNIT! All of the qualities that make cookies delicious are absent from these f*ing things.
In retrospect, I should have been tipped off by the fact that each cookie is emblazoned with its own hippie word to designate its unique personality, or perhaps to imply the state it would impart upon you after consuming it. I inadvertently paid for “clarity” and “enlightenment”, but that is decidedly NOT what I received.
I’m not gonna sugarcoat it here, people — and not just because there’s no goddamn sugar to be had in these bad boys: These cookies suuuuuuuck.
Imagine going to the beach and grabbing some damp sand and forming it into a patty and then sticking no more than five chocolate chips into it, and then you stumble upon a bottle of peppermint extract and you figure, “Why the hell not?” So you douse a few drops of peppermint extract onto your nominally chocolate chippy sand patty and you sit down and admire the sunset and all of God’s creations — including, if you do say so, yourself and YOUR creation (you’re getting very meta at this point, DON’T STOP NOW!) — and you lean back and you take a bite and you think, “Ahh. Clarity.”
The hell you do! You spit it out and wonder just how high you are, and then you wonder how much venture funding you can get for your hippie sand-cookie startup.
VERDICT: 0/10 Would not buy again. Tempted to return the second cookie to the airport shop but probably won’t because I’m from Wisconsin and I don’t want to make a fuss.