WWFB Rules
The Ten(ish) Commandments of the World’s Worst Food Blogger
Although I refuse to be bound by traditional notions of journalistic objectivity, photographic quality, and reasonable sentence length, I do have a few rules that guide me in my travels and my dining.
1: Don’t Be an Asshole.
Madonna once said, “Everyone is entitled to my opinion,” but she’s a bit of an asshole, so here’s my thinking: The hospitality industry is harrrrrrrd, and life is short. If something is not perfect when I dine, I do not want to speak with your manager, and I am certainly not about to Yelp my complaints to the world.
You’ll notice most of my stories here celebrate fabulous meals and fun times — in those posts, I will gladly name names and link to the restaurant or business in question.
Of course, the world is a very big place, with plenty of room for culinary missteps and shoddy service. If such an occasion rises to the level of blog-worthy, I’ll leave the place nameless when I tell the tale. One bad dish or one server’s bad day doesn’t mean it’s a bad place, so I might poke a little fun but I’m not out to shame anyone or ruin a small, independent business. Unless it’s a multi-billion-dollar multinational whose financial well-being can’t possibly be diminished by my words…like Starbucks or McDonald’s or Madonna.
2: Always Order the Special.
You never know when you’ll be back, so try the special. Whether it’s a seasonal treat or a regional specialty, the chef’s whim is usually worth indulging.
3: When There’s Soft Shell Crab on the Menu, You Must Order It.
This rule springs from a memorable meal in Vancouver in 2023 involving a $24 soft shell crab taco. #worthit
4: Miniature Versions of Normal Food Can Go Either Way and You Need to Find Out. Every Time.
Miniature Bánh mì at Miss Saigon in Philadelphia? Good mini. Petit fours (a.k.a., miniature layer cakes that somehow manage to be simultaneously chalky and overly sweet)? Bad mini.
5: If Summer Rolls Are On the Menu & There’s Room In Your Belly, You Must Order Them.
Not all summer rolls are created equal, but when they’re on they’re on, so don’t miss out!
6: Thou Shalt Order Petite Fried Bananas Wherever Thou Encounter Them…
…and woe be unto those who pretend not to have room left after dinner. Woe, I say!
7: Feel Free To Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife.
And by “neighbor” I mean your dining partner, and by “wife” I mean whatever is on their plate or in their glass. Use your powers of persuasion and/or sleight of hand to get a taste of whatever they’re oohing and aahing about. Of course, you need to share your meal too. What’s good for the goose is good for the other goose.
8: If You’re Happy and You Know It, Show It!
As a corollary to WWFB Commandment #1 (“Don’t Be an Asshole”), if you had a great meal or fantastic service, be generous with your praise — and your dollars! I was a tremendously mediocre waitress one summer during grad school, so I have a deep appreciation for people who do the job well, or even not so well but with panache.
Also: have a little situational awareness. If the asshole at the next table is making your server’s life miserable and you’ve got the means, round up your tip and leave an encouraging note…something like, “Don’t let Madonna get you down. She’s clearly having a day.”
9: Rules Are For Suckers.
It’s good to have principles and a basic moral compass and all, but you gotta leave yourself open to chance.
10: See #9.
Nobody ever said there actually needs to be ten commandments, amiright?!