WWFB: “Who Approved This?” Edition, in which we learn the origin story of Assorted Berry Flavored Antacid Tablets
The scene: Some place where you just ate a questionable meal.
You: Oh god the pain, the pain! If only there were a handy remedy…
This Guy: I got you, fam. Try this chalky tablet I just whipped up in my mom’s basement…
You: I sure hope it’s chewable…
This Guy: Done and done!
You: I sure hope it’s got a soothing mint flavor to settle my upset tummy…
This Guy: Even better…it’s Assorted Berry flavored!
You: WTF does that even mean?
This Guy: Well you see, I made them in a rainbow of pastel shades, and they’re fruity!
You: Oh, I get it. So each color is a different flavor?
This Guy: Not as such…
You: So what do they taste like?
This Guy: Assorted Berries!
You: Have you ever had a bellyache, my friend?
This Guy: On the daily!
You: Okaaaay, might want to get that checked out. Anyway, so when you’re doubled over in agony and praying that god will put you out of your misery, what else is going through your mind?
This Guy: ‘Boy, I could really go for a mouthful of indeterminate fruit right now. The chalkier the better!’
You: You’re not well, sir.
This Guy: But these make me feel better for a few hours…
You: Do they, though? Don’t the [ checking label ] artificial flavors and artificial colors bother your innards?
This Guy: …
You: Fine, hand one over.
This Guy: Which color would you like?
You: The one that tastes most like strawberries.
This Guy: [hands you a purple tablet]
You: Who hurt you?
Aaaaaaaaaaaand scene!
But seriously, who at Costco said, “You know what’s better than a chalky mouthful of indeterminate fruit in your moment of gastrointestinal need? Two hundred sixty-five mouthfuls of indeterminate fruit! Times two. Because we sell in bulk here. And we won’t sell a minty option. So our dyspeptic customers will be stuck guessing which berries these are intended to simulate foreverrrrrr! Mwahahaha!”
Shame on you, Inventor of Assorted Berry Antacid Tablets! And shame on you, Costco, for feeding his delusion that berries are what The People want for an upset stomach!
